Twilight Pt. 4: The Snark Interview

So, to compliment my interview with Lex, I thought it would be fun if I had a conversation with my friend Ali. Ali has the snarkiest eyebrows known to man and hasn't read Twilight yet. All she knows about the series is the fangirl screams that haunt her dreams, and all the Twilight related flair she sees on Facebook. As such, the conversation turns to Harry Potter on a regular basis.

This conversation took place in AOL instant messenger, so there is some overlap as we both type at the same times. I haven't edited anything but format, but I have added some Twilight flair picture.

Anyway, I am in italics, and Ali is bold.

HERE IS THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING OF A CONVERSATION I WILL PUT ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERYONE TO READ ABOUT TWILIGHT

scary

scary?

yes

Are you going to ask me about Twilight? My readers are already bored. Because I know what you're talking about, but they have no idea what's going on.

wait, what? I thought you were asking me?

Oh. Sorry. I thought you were asking me, based on your pop-culture-flair-only references

no

Ok.

I didn't know I was supposed to have questions prepared

Let's just get our snark on then

if that's what you want, I'll need some time

Do you find me dazzling?

always, but if you tear my headboard to shreds you still have to pay for it

That was his MOM's headboard

ew

which is twisted

quite literally at some point, I would imagine

*snort* Are you Team Edward, or Team Jacob?

I'm inclined to say Jacob, just because I hate Edward on principle. should I have put more thought into that?

Which principle is that?

the principle that every teenage girl in the world is in love with Edward. that didn't work for me in HS and apparently doesn't now, either

ha ha ha ha ha. Jacob's a werewolf

I know there are some werewolves I'm rather fond of. more werewolves than vampires, come to think of it

LOL. Besides Remus Lupin, who are your other werewolf loves?

um... I'm going to try to salvage this one and say that's still more werewolf loves than vampires

Fair enough

besides, Remus is man-wolf enough for anyone ;-)

True. Which book is your favorite?

um...which one has the chess piece on the cover? I like chess...

That would be... wait... let me go look... Breaking Dawn. as a Non-Twilighter, what do you find most annoying about Twilight?

that's also the last one, right? because that would be two for the price of one

That *is* the last one!

the fact that it has taken over the book category of flair on facebook

What is so annoying about Twilight flair?

the bad grammar? and the fact that I can hear the squee-ing from here

*snort* What is your favorite piece of Twilight flair?

I rather like the one that casts aspersions as to the parentage of Jacob Black

Because he's a werewolf with the last name of Black, he must be the love child of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?

that's the one

that's also one of my favs

hey, they already transplanted Cedric. -- I mean, Edward -- I mean, Pattenson

Yeah, I really like the one that says "Edward was a Hufflepuff"

but that's okay. Harry's got that saving people thing going on, it makes sense that others in his universe would have similar leanings

LOL Based on your knowledge of Edward, would you put him in Hufflepuff?

well, he seems kind of sparkly with fluff between his ears and terribly idealistic views of romance, so why not? I certainly don't see him anywhere else...except maybe trading fashion tips with Pavarti and Lav-Lav

*snort*

oh, come on, like both of them don't wish they could dazzle

In his defense, he holds several degrees, which I can't tell is a matter or smarts, or the fact he doesn't age and doesn't sleep, so why not keep going back to high school and college and studying all night long. And what do you think dazzling is?

I would like to say something flip involving body splash with glitter in, but I would imagine it's infinitely more likely that it's some special way of putting someone in a highly suggestive state

Yeah, it's even lamer than that

seriously? does he at least get to have real fangs?

Basically, Edward is so pretty that girls will do whatever he wants, as if he was using some sort of Jedi mind trick. And, it's totally a minor part of the book.

well, there's something

He does have real fangs AND! When he goes into the sunlight, he's really sparkly

because vampires do so well in sunlight. but, you know, sparkly/flaming, potato/potahto

Well, in this world, sunlight doesn't hurt him. He's just really sparkly, so he can't let others see him when it's sunny. Which is why they live in the Pacific Northwest, where it's cloudy a lot

perfectly logical

Yes. Has Twilight changed your feelings about Volvos at all?

I can't remember the last time I saw a volvo. oh! though, I did have a question about that: is it like a shiny, metallic, reflective silver paintjob on said volvo? and, if so, have we also thrown out the "no reflections" baby with the vampiric bathwater?

LOL. I don't know about reflections. It's that Edward drives a Volvo that he keeps nice and clean. He drives it very fast. Because of his awesome vampire ninja skills

better to have a clean car if you're going to do that. less likely that something will fly up and hit you in the head if you have to stop suddenly. vampire ninja?

:-)

does that mean we get vampire pirates, too?

just that he has awesome reflexes

it's only fair. oh

like a super-charged ninja. vampire pirates are good...How do you pronounce Renesme and what is the meaning behind it?

you could write a series about them for t(w)een girls and never have to work again...you (or, rather, I) pronounce every letter in that name -- ren-ez-me -- and flair leads me to believe that it has something to do with the loch ness monster, though no one seems very happy about this

That's amazing!

what?

Well, you pronounced it correctly. The Loch Ness monster connection is that it gets shortened to Nessie and Bella gets pissy

I do my best. I blame Terry Pratchett, though. he has a character named Esme, and so I just appended the "ren"

The best is that it's a combination of her mom's name (Renee) and Edward's (Esme)

very original and thought provoking

Albus Severus doesn't look so bad now, does it?

I never had any problems with Albus Severus. it was Lily and James that I found singularly uninspired

Uninspired yes, but less cheesy

true

So, is Edward the most perfect boyfriend ever? Or is sneaking into your bedroom to watch you sleep and forbidding you to see your best friend kinda creepy?

I'm going to have to go with B on that

yeah. I wish all the little fangirls would, too

aren't they still warning them about people like that?

I would assume, but they all do love Edward and think he's just the bestest! Even though, after watching the movie, I kinda love him too

it's his Cedric-ness bleeding through
I didn't when I read the books, but Edward invoked feelings in my that Cedric never did

interesting. then again, Cedric was not at his best

I was rather surprised

he spent most of that film/book running for his life. or with his head on fire. or with Voldie's foot on his face. hard to make a good impression that way

*snort* And dazzling Cho so that she didn't fall for Harry. Not that I'm a huge Cho fan, but Harry was sad. And I felt bad for Harry

Harry was sad. though Cho was a bit of a waste of energy for him

Yeah, but as Rowling said, he had to grow up romantically before he was worthy of Ginny. Ginny Weasley would totally kick Edward's ass

is Bella more together than Cho? I mean, did (C)ed-ward learn anything from that experience

I'd choose Cho over Bella any day

Ginny Weasley would totally kick anyone's ass. Bat-bogies away!

Bella is the biggest Mary Sue you've ever read

*shudders*

And unbelievably spineless. Cho was annoying, but in an understandable way. clearly. since

she allowed some creepy, sparkly guy to watch her sleep and dictate her social life

yes. So, what's Jasper's thing?

I can't even figure out who Jasper is. he apparently isn't important enough to have a team and the fangirls seem to find him particularly noxious. he does seem to enjoy baiting the others, though

He's Edwards vampire-brother

(there's not much Jasper flair)

He can control emotions. Emmett's more the baiter. He likes to make dirty jokes that piss off Bella

is he really his brother who is also a vampire? or is he edwards brother in that they were turned by the same vampire and therefore are sort of from the same litter?

(Emmett is also his vampire brother)

I like Emmett already

Um, I don't even think they were turned by the same vampire, although many of the Cullens were all turned by the Dr. Cullen. But they live together, posing as a young couple with their foster children

who was a doctor of.....? ah ha

He's a medical doctor, and had a habit of turning people he couldn't save with medicine

yet another reason to be afriad of the system, your new family may be a cadre of undead, just waiting for you to join them

Not that they're really foster children, it was just the only excuse as to why their kids would be so old
sure

Hmmmm... I'm trying to think if there is anything else

I'm afraid I won't be much help to you, there

Any other flair confusing you?

I tend not to read it if I can possibly help it

ok. Then are we done?

i believe so. but it's your interview

THUS CONCLUDES THE BIT OF THE CONVERSATION I'LL POST FOR GENERAL CONSUMPTION

And, to conclude, I would like to you let y'all know that Ali will be reading Twilight starting at the end of the month.

Twilight Pt. 3: The Fan Girl Interview

So, my cousin Lex is 17 and is the one who begged me to read Twilight. I thought it would be fun if she interviewed me about the series after I finished.

This interview took place using Facebook's fake-email messaging system and I have not edited it all, except to remove the names of the guilty and to make the formatting look decent. Also, we did this in August, right after I finished reading them, so the feelings are immediate, and my Princess Diaries comments are a little out of date. There are also random references, and some spoilers, to Georgia Nicolson.

SPOILERS ABOUND! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Lex: so queston numbero uno: What did u think of the Series?

Me: I really liked it! I just had the first one, but as soon as I finished it, I went to the bookstore to get the rest. I'm really looking forward to reading Midnight Sun, and her adult book, The Host.

Lex: i cant wait for Midnight sun. did u like the way she kept moaning on about missing Edward to Jacob in book 2?

Me: I know I'm in the minority here, but I really liked Book 2. I felt really badly for Jacob, because it was obvious that he really liked Bella and she's all "Edward Edward Edward sob sob sob" BUT! I think in that entire book, Meyer really showed how devastating heartbreak can be and how real depression is and how awful it is. I really appreciated how each month was labeled and for three months, it was just a blank page. I think that was simple, but really moving at the same time.

That said, I was really pissed off at Charlie in that book. He should have dragged her off to get professional help really early in that book. Who cares if she wanted it or not, he's the parent, and he should have acted like it.

Have you read the Princess Diaries series yet? (If you haven't, you HAVE TO! The movies are TOTALLY different!) At the beginning of the latest book, Mia is really really depressed after a break up and can't get out of bed or anything, so her body guard picks her up, chucks her in the back of the car and takes her to therapy. Charlie should have done that too. Bella's really small--it wouldn't have been that hard.

Lex: ya, i liked the second book but i do agree with u that to save with all the whining that she should have gone to tharapy. yes i have read the princess diaries series,i just havent read the new one yet which is princess mia. i know that the movies r totally not the same and that made me upset. i hope that they dont mess up the Twilight movie! did u think that it was over dramatic that edward almost provocted the Vultiori then Bella had to go and save his ass?

are u a team Edward or Team Jacob??? im with Edward.

Me: The VERY LAST PRINCESS DIARIES BOOK comes out in January, FYI. Also, the bit I told you about Princess Mia takes place right in the beginning, so I didn't completely ruin it for you!

Anyway, Twilight. Edward's little suicide attempt was totally drama queen. If he really thought Bella was dead he should have (a) confirmed it outside of Alice's head and (b) gone into Vampire therapy!

You'd think that being 100+ years old would give you some perspective on these things.

As far as Team Edward vs. Team Jacob... at the end of Eclipse, I was Team "Run Away and Find a Real Guy" I really didn't like either of them! They were both very controlling and manipulative. They put Bella in a really hard spot and didn't care. They both liked to boss her around and didn't take her emotions, feelings, thought, and ideas seriously. I thought they were both really shitty choices.

And I was really surprised it was a debate! At the end of Eclipse, Edward and Bella are sending out wedding invitations! I really didn't think anything was going to change.

Now, during New Moon, I was totally Team Jacob, because all those issues I had with Edward (See above) he didn't have. But then her turned into a werewolf and Jerk just like Edward.

But, I was happier with them in Breaking Dawn-- once Bella became a vampire, Edward stopped being such a jerkwad and started being a good guy.

Do me a favor Lex-- never date a guy like Edward. Just because he claims to be doing it in the name of love or protecting you doesn't give him the right to control who you see, break into your house to spy on you (sorry "watch you sleep" that's CREEPY) or jack up your car. I don't care how hot he is-- it will not end well. The only way it could POSSIBLY end well is if he turned you into a vampire and you were stronger than him so you could KICK HIS ASS. But, just because that happened to Bella, I doubt it would actually happen in real life!

Lex: ya, i already dated a guy like Edward and u met him and i dumped him. his name was Stupid McIckypants. but the thing with McIckypants was i was already stronger than him so if i wanted to kick his ass i could and still can. but i really do see ur point bout Edward and this is rare for me to say but i really dont want an Edward even tho i think it would be awsome to date and marry a Vampire the chances of it are very very slim if none at all. but at the same time i wouldnt date Jacob either cuz if i was friends with a Vamp i wouldnt let my bf control my friends and family cuz who i am friends with doesnt matter to him. My b day is in 2 weeks! ok that was off topic but i had to put it out there. Now that u have read the series, could u understand why girls like my age r like obbessed with it and like want the perfect guy to kinda be like Edward??? sorry that i dont type in paragraph form and that my grammer kinda sucks, its summer break for me and this is my normal typing way.

Dont u think its kind of annoying how if Alice can see the future then u couldnt have any privicy??

I think that if i ever had to choose between annoying pack hearing all my thoughts or tell the future for every one i would choose the pack cuz then u could at least give some ppl privicy bout their future.

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Me: YAY for not wanting an Edward!!!!! I think a lot of girls want an Edward because he's hotttttt and can't get beyond that to see that he's a little creepy in his hottness. (And, to be fair, you're totally hung up on Masimo and Robbie because they're hottttt where Dave the Laugh is awesome but merely cute)

Anyway! I really can see why girls your age are completely obsessed with the series. I would have been too! (Back when I was your age--I can't believe I just said that--we were all obsessed with Anne Rice and Interview with a Vampire and that series of books.)

Anyway, I don't think I would want to date/become a vampire, for a few reasons--1. I don't know if I would be strong enough to not eat people, and I don't want to eat people and 2. I really don't want to live forever, even though I wouldn't mind if I still had the body I had when I was 20!

As far as the Alice thing-- I think it would be annoying, but Alice's visions aren't fail proof-- you can change them--and often, her visions have proved wrong because she saw what was coming and everyone acted accordingly to make that event NOT happen. I think I would be more annoyed with the Pack thing, because you couldn't hide ANYTHING from everyone else in the pack. There are a lot of thoughts in my head that no one else should ever hear! Especially because I often think really mean things. I think I would piss the pack off and they'd eat me or something.

Lex: haha, do u have the ann rice vampire books??? my dad says that i shopuld read them but i cant get my hands on the first book or like any of them. well i know who should play Masimo in the Georgia movies, it should be the guy that played prince caspian. but ya i dont like robbie anymore cuz he went back to octapus girl (i forgot her name). did u see the Georgia movie??? cuz i want to but didnt get the chance. alright back to twilight. What did u think of Bellas acting skills in the first book to try and leave charlie to save his life????

Me: I don't have any of the Ann Rice books anymore-- the first is Interview with a Vampire-- I agree with your dad! You should read them!!!

I haven't seen Prince Caspian yet, so I can't say. Also, I don't know if Robbie really is with Wet Lindsay, I know SHE thinks so, but remember when what's his face, Hunky, said that it seemed to be mostly on her end? I like Robbie a lot, but he and Georgia are just a bad match! Don't worry about not seeing the movie-- it hasn't opened in the US yet-- you haven't missed it at all!!!!

I think Bella's acting skills were pretty good in the first book. I felt really bad for Charlie, because in order to leave, she had to say and do some pretty crappy stuff, but... it works out as to why she had to do it.

Lex: ya, alright, i do remember Tom saying that it was mainly Wet Lindsay. what was ur reaction when Edward called Bella's baby a thing?

Me: I was surprised. Edward's very traditional, so I thought he'd be really excited about the baby. Once it became clear that no one knew what this baby would be and that Edward thought (well, knew) that it was killing Bella, then I understood why he was so squemy about it.

I think the baby thing was a good way for Bella to become a vampire without Edward having to feel weird about killing her, given that she was going to die anyway!

What did you think of the name Renesmee?

Lex: i thought the name Renesmee was hard to pronounce and every time my mom would correct me id almost bite her head off bout it. i love the baby tho. i kinda get why Edward was scared but he should have been a little happy to know that he had a baby, i do agree with u tho bout how to turn Bella

Me: It is a mouthful-- I like Nessie as a nickname though. I think once Edward started to hear her thoughts, before she was born, he turned around and was pretty excited. Before hand, he was just freaked out that Bella was going to die and I don't think he was sure it was a baby at all!

Lex: ya, i like the nickname but i dont think id like my kid being called nessie. im out of questions. im kinda tired

THE END.

Twilight Pt. 2: In Which I Review The Books

Ok, I did love the Twilight series. It's not good literature by any means, or the best books I've ever read, but I ate them all up.

My cousin Lex had been clamouring for me to read them for AGES. While I was having much fun with my friend Ali making up what we though the book was about, based on the Flair application of Facebook, I finally gave in this summer. Because really, what kind of YA book nerd was I if I hadn't even tried to read it?! (You'll meet Lex and Ali again later today in further Twilight-related posts)

In the supreme joy that is taking YA lit in grad school, I finally read Twilight AS HOMEWORK. As soon as I finished, even though I still had to finish reading Making Comics: Storytelling Secrets of Comics, Manga and Graphic Novels for the same class, I ran to the store and bought the rest of the series.

My review of the first book is the homework assignment I turned in, hence the slightly different tone than my review of the other three.

Twilight Stephenie Meyer

When Bella Swan moves to cold, rainy Forks, Washington to live with her father, she misses the warmth and sun of Phoenix. That is quickly forgotten, however, as she falls in love with the enigmatic and beautiful Edward Cullen. Putting a super-natural twist on the classic doomed lovers scenario, Edward is a vampire who both loves Bella and wants to eat her.

Edward is a romantic hero in the broody, sometimes cruel, mold of Heathcliff and Mr. Rochester, while Bella identifies her all-consuming love with that of Juliet. Meyer’s characters are flat and her dialogue often leaves something to be desired. Despite this, her take on the star-crossed lovers, full of chaste sexual-tension, will leave readers turning pages late into the night and clamoring for further installment so the story.

Also, in a bit I did *not* turn in, I must say that I have NEVER understood the attraction to Mr. Rochester or Healthcliff. Nor have I ever really understood Juliet. While Edward's swagger is typical of most romance novel heroes (and Twilight is a bodice-ripping romance, but without the ripped bodices) Bella lacks the spunk usually found in the objects of their affection.

WARNING! I AM REVIEWING SERIES BOOKS! THERE ARE NO SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS REVIEWED, BUT THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FOR BOOKS EARLIER IN THE SERIES! 'TIS THE NATURE OF THE BEAST!

New Moon Stephenie Meyer

The book begins with Edward leaving Bella "for her own good" and disappearing. Bella, meanwhile, disappears into her own grief and depression. Eventually, she starts spending a lot more time with Jacob, helping him restore some motorcycles, which she takes to riding. She starts engaging in some potentially risky behavior (motorcycles, cliff diving) because every time she puts herself in danger, she hears Edward's voice in her head, and she can't give that up.

A lot of people don't like this book, because there isn't a lot of Edward in it. And people who don't like Twilight in general don't like it because Bella's at her weakest.

And... this is my favorite of the series. While there is no Edward, and while Bella is really weak, I think it is an honest and raw portrait of depression and the reactions to it. The chapters in this book are grouped by month as the year passes. The sections for October, November, and December are beautiful and moving in their stark simplicity.

I must say though, I was SO ANGRY at Bella's parents for not stepping up and giving their daughter the help she needed. Just because she says she doesn't want to go to therapy doesn't mean she doesn't have to go! You have to pull a Lars a la Princess Mia and pick her up, chuck her in the back of the limo (or in the case, a pick up truck) and dump her on the therapist's couch.

Eclipse Stephenie Meyer

Edward's back and protecting Bella! The vampires and werewolves hate each other! Here's where the minor red flags that Edward threw up for me in Twilight made me want to scream RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Cutting you off from your friends is NOT OK! Even if werewolves and vampires are mortal enemies! And while I loved Jacob dearly in New Moon, once he becomes a werewolf he turns into SUCH A JERK. At the end of New Moon I was very Team Jacob. At the end of this one, when there was blindingly obvious which guy Bella would choose, I was team "run away and get a life." They both sucked and were horrible choices.

Bella really annoyed me in the this one. She would be all righteously indignant at the crap Edward was pulling, but then when she called him on it, he'd be all "oh, I'm sorry" and she'd be all "OK! Let's make out!" Grrrrr.

And yet, I couldn't stop turning the page...

Actually, it reminded me of re-reading Forever . . . as an adult. When I first read it in Junior High, Katherine and Michael's love was true and pure. When Katherine's parents didn't want them to spend the summer together, they were SO MEAN AND EVIL. When I re-read it as an adult, Michael sent up every read flag very early on and thank heaven Katherine's parents were there to try and get her daughter to keep some perspective. Too bad Bella doesn't have a voice of reason in her life.

Breaking Dawn Stephenie Meyer

Bella may have turned into the ultimate Mary Sue in this one, but she grew a spine and started to kick some ass. I think her relationships become more healthy and she was less annoying. Although I did have to put the book down during the birth scene (and I've seen people give birth before!)

The final battle though was a little anti-climactic.

Overall, I really like this series. There isn't a lot of criticism that I've heard that I can disagree with, but I swallowed these up and enjoyed almost every minute of it.

Twilight Pt. 1: Poetry Friday

It's Twilight Weekend here at Biblio File. There will be reviews and interviews.

But first, a silly little poem I wrote:

There once was a vampire named Edward
Whom Bella wished to take Bed-ward
He said "Oh! I can't!
I'm a dangerous scamp!"
But Bella said "Bite ME, not the fangirl herd!"

Tee hee hee

Laura Salas is rounding up!